Falling Faithless

     The past four years and past months especially, I have learned that fundraising for missions trips is an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. There comes a point when it seems to have gone stagnant, and all hope seems to be lost. Then something happens, something that reminds me why I’m doing this, something that relights the fire.       It’s that point when I realize that things are not in my hands, and most defiantly not in my timing.
     It’s the point when I accept that I was falling faithless, and the point where I crawl back and stop falling.
     It’s putting the truth to the saying that God responds to the desperate cries of His children, that He picks them up time and time again. That He will teach them the same lesson over and over(or for the fourth time).
He has given me this calling, this mission, this heart. And He WILL put it into action.

   Sooo, with that being said,

 Wreck me for your purpose

Break me for your will
Let me be your hands and feet
Show me your world
Give me your heart and your eyes
Let me understand your will
Hear your voice
And speak your words
Fill me with your spirit
Here I am…SEND ME

I Call it...

    ...Passion
    

      It’s weird for me to sit here and think back, back on my first trip, back to ’08, back to Mexico. That truly is what started it all. Mexico lead to Guatemala, which lead back to Mexico, which lead back to Guatemala and introduced AIM. It was one of my Guatemala leaders who pushed me to go to Swazi. and Swazi. that is leading to Kenya. And at the root of it all, is passion.

     Because God’s passion lead to me, and I in turn gained a passion for Him. That passion for Him turned to people, which turned to the world, which comes back to His will.

    It’s following His will that takes me to amazing places and allows me to be His hands and His feet.

    It’s passion that makes things happen. Passion is, in the end, the root of my life.

    It’s passion that has me sitting on my bedroom floor dreaming of Africa. Thinking about how wonderful it is to be pumbled, cuddled and climbed by children. Children with AIDS and TB, ring worm and scabies, malnourished and with worms, children thought to be “the least of these”. Children with blinding smiles and twinkling eyes, full of joy and eager to love and be loved. Children that have nothing earthly yet seem to have it all. They have Jesus, and passion for Him, full of more faith, joy, tears, and love than I could ever begin to convey. Yet it is that unexplainable passion that I so deeply desire! It’s the passion I have witnessed from those God has allowed me to ‘minister’ to that keeps me going, and their faith that has allowed me to have the attitude that the sickness I have come home with “could have been worse”.

     So it is passion that keeps me going back. Passion that allows me to desire to live in “radical” ways. Maybe it truly is a passion, and maybe it’s something bigger, more spiritual, maybe, it’s something more than I can imagine…

Once Upon a Sunset...

Once upon and African sunset I wrote…

     God, I’m done. There is nothing left for me to give these children. My love has all been given, my spirit broken by what I have seen. My whole body aces and I don’t have the strength to pick up another child and cover them in prayer. I can no longer keep my guard up, watching not only my back, but the backs of my team! I can’t be aware of my actions and how they offend or blend into the culture. I can’t wear this skirt for another second! The spiritual heaviness is wearing me down! The chickens and goats are making me want to scream! If I have to eat another bowl of oatmeal, or beans and rice, or eat pop (boiled cornmeal bleh) I will in fact fast for the rest of the month! All I want is to sleep, sleep for hours!

     As I finished writing this dinner was ready and I faced my beans and rice. and pressed on, still weak. Before I could cry to a teammate and tell them all these things we began our nightly worship time. And in that instant I was revived. God assured me that I would be able to face the rest of the month because…

    He was not done! He had plenty of love for me to give away on his behalf. He healed my sprit, and allowed me to focus on beauty. He gave me strength to press on and hold children and drench them in prayer. He notified that it was not my job to watch out for my team, He had that down already, and as for cultural things, He would make it effortless. And the skirt, well I had to suck it up. He reminded me that the spiritual heaviness lifted as we worshiped. He deafened me to the animal sounds, for a time at least. He made me so hungry that anything I ate was wonderful because it was food. And lastly, He gave me an abundance of energy!

     The beautiful thing about this isn’t that I made it through without too big of an outward breakdown. The point is that this was just one of many times that God came in and took over, as soon as I surrendered to Him. This is what He does! He saves, comforts, loves, protects and restores us. Cool right?

So once upon a Californian sunset I cried out AGAIN!

     And he reminded me of that time, under the beautiful sky, and told me not to worry. So as of now, I will no longer worry about things such as…

• What if my leaders aren’t ‘as amazing’ this time
• What if my team doesn’t bond
• What if I don’t raise all my money
• What if What if What if! The list goes on and on and on

And He is just waiting, saying “Emily, relax, surrender these worries to me! I have it under control. I called you to this, and I am walking you there, but not leaving, I will walk alongside you through it ALL!”

“Now may the LORD of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The LORD be with you all.” 2 Thessalonians 2:12

There is Nothing to Fear.

“There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.”

…That sounds nice. It’s a pretty thought.

What about “There is nothing to fear, for God has all things planed.”

 Now that’s what I call a pretty thought.

I wish I could say that I’m am totally fearless for Christ, that he says “Hey Emily, go do_____” and I say “Ok!” with a pretty smile on my face and just GO, but that’s not true.

There are so many times when I fight it, or don’t want to go. When I let fears hold me back, when I hand the enemy a victory.

But I’m human, and that’s no excuse, but it’s an explanation.

However, recently God said “Emily go to Kenya.”

I said “but God, I want to go to Latin America!”

But I ironically remembered at that moment that I had surrendered to God locations, that I would go where HE wants me, not where I want me.

But did I give up? No.

So what did He do? He made it so I couldn’t even look into going someplace other than Kenya. Not only did he shut the door, but he locked it, and destroyed the key!

But that’s not all. He changed my heart.

He made me desire to go to Kenya, to go back to Africa. Made my heart line up with His.

He made it me desire His will be done, He told me to “go into all the world and make disciples of every nation, baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.” (Matthew 28:19).

So I will go!

But I am afraid.

Afraid to

• Give my heart away again
• Build relationships, then leave
• Have my heart broken for His purpose
• Have culture shock in my own country
• Be looked at as weird or different

When it comes down to it, these all seem really petty.

Especially when God is calling, because that’s one call I can’t ignore.

So fears ALL pushed aside, and I will go

“Here I am LORD, send me!”

“Break my heart for what breaks yours!”

“Eliminate my comfort zone!”

“Make me who you desire me to be”

“LORD I am yours!”

Psalm 34;4 “I sought the LORD and he answered me, He delivered me from all my fears.”