God, I’m done. There is nothing left for me to give these children. My love has all been given, my spirit broken by what I have seen. My whole body aces and I don’t have the strength to pick up another child and cover them in prayer. I can no longer keep my guard up, watching not only my back, but the backs of my team! I can’t be aware of my actions and how they offend or blend into the culture. I can’t wear this skirt for another second! The spiritual heaviness is wearing me down! The chickens and goats are making me want to scream! If I have to eat another bowl of oatmeal, or beans and rice, or eat pop (boiled cornmeal bleh) I will in fact fast for the rest of the month! All I want is to sleep, sleep for hours!
As I finished writing this dinner was ready and I faced my beans and rice. and pressed on, still weak. Before I could cry to a teammate and tell them all these things we began our nightly worship time. And in that instant I was revived. God assured me that I would be able to face the rest of the month because…
He was not done! He had plenty of love for me to give away on his behalf. He healed my sprit, and allowed me to focus on beauty. He gave me strength to press on and hold children and drench them in prayer. He notified that it was not my job to watch out for my team, He had that down already, and as for cultural things, He would make it effortless. And the skirt, well I had to suck it up. He reminded me that the spiritual heaviness lifted as we worshiped. He deafened me to the animal sounds, for a time at least. He made me so hungry that anything I ate was wonderful because it was food. And lastly, He gave me an abundance of energy!
The beautiful thing about this isn’t that I made it through without too big of an outward breakdown. The point is that this was just one of many times that God came in and took over, as soon as I surrendered to Him. This is what He does! He saves, comforts, loves, protects and restores us. Cool right?
So once upon a Californian sunset I cried out AGAIN!
And he reminded me of that time, under the beautiful sky, and told me not to worry. So as of now, I will no longer worry about things such as…
- What if my leaders aren’t ‘as amazing’ this time
- What if my team doesn’t bond
- What if I don’t raise all my money
- What if What if What if! The list goes on and on and on
And He is just waiting, saying “Emily, relax, surrender these worries to me! I have it under control. I called you to this, and I am walking you there, but not leaving, I will walk alongside you through it ALL!”
“Now may the LORD of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The LORD be with you all.” 2 Thessalonians 2:12
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